Here I am writing my first post! I will refrain from telling you how many times the delete button was used in the process of writing this short piece…
I’ve been wanting to start a blog for some time now. I read lots of blogs and find it interesting to read other people’s musings. I happened to mention this desire to my husband and moments later, I hear “check your messages.” I check and low and behold, a blog has been set up for me. He’s just awesome like that. And he’s crazy smart. And he’s encouraging. And he believes in people. And he makes me laugh. Hard. And he’s simply a really GOOD person. And he’s super handsome. And….Oh. This post wasn’t intended to be about him. Can you tell I really like him, though?
The feeling I get when I start a new journal never gets old. Pen to paper is my preference and I’ve filled over 20 journals in the past 10 years. With that said, it’s obvious I like to write, but I rarely share what I write. Therefore, this blog thing is new for me…and a bit scary for some reason!
Something else I find a bit unnerving is change. It’s inevitable, of course, but that doesn’t make it easier at times. Just six months ago, I said “I do,” went on the honeymoon of a lifetime, entered Canada with the estimated date of me being able to go freely in and out of this new country being 18 months[thankfully it didn’t take that long!], moved into a beautiful townhouse twenty minutes from the city (Ottawa), switched churches, moved 1.5 hours away from this church and family, 2 hours away from my American family, no job and not being able to work until I was a permanent resident, and feeling a slight tinge of loneliness when the husband left for work. Just a bit of change for this gal.
Of course, if you know me, I’m not complaining one bit and I truly couldn’t be happier living here in Ontario with this husband of mine. In fact, since I was a teen, I’ve had an inkling I’d live in another country someday – little did I know it’d be the one right across the boarder and my future husband was really only miles away.
I’m used to land and trees and forests and it taking me 2 hours to push mow my parent’s lawn…but I love living in this townhouse even though it’s practically surrounded by pavement and it takes 2 minutes to mow the “lawn” [and we don’t even mow it…someone else does it for us. City life is weird.]
I am thankful for this great church (hcfcornwall.ca) I now belong to and it’s powerful leadership. It’s so alive; you can feel it on any given Sunday. Jesus is touching people and changing lives and I’m blessed to be a part of what’s happening. But leaving the church I “grew up” in was not.easy.at.all. And still isn’t most days.
And not working? I’m really ok with this right now, to be honest. But when one has been on their own for a little while and then all of sudden not working at all and completely relying on someone [even if that someone is totally and thoroughly happy about it]? That’s a small adjustment, to say the least.
In all of this change, I’m learning a lot about myself. Maybe it’s the increased time alone or something, but nevertheless, you get to really evaluate the season you’re in when you are forced to slow down.
What I’m learning is I can easily torture myself with the “What am I supposed to DO?!?” mind-set. When this mind-set creeps up, it’s not a nice “Let’s evaluate and see where God’s leading me in this season” type of mind set. It’s a mean one. One that accuses me of being lazy and selfish and “you’re not doing anything of worth.” And what better time for this nasty thing to arise than when I am simply home every day. Yuck. I so quickly get down on myself because I am not “DOING SOMETHING” that looks valuable. But valuable to WHOM? Jesus? I’m finding the answer is no. It’s other people. And that’s the problem. I often care more about how I look to other people than to the One who holds the very blue prints of my life in front of Him. This cannot be. And that is what I’m ultimately learning in this season.
When I stop and go back to the basics of fixing my attention on Jesus, the One that intimately knows me, I often hear Him whisper: “Just be with me.” And then He usually focuses my attention to what’s directly in front of me in the season I’m in. Because, if you’re anything like me, I think what I’m supposed to do is somewhere “out there” and I have to figure out this great big mystery all on my own. I’m finding that’s never been the case in my 25 years of life and 10.5 years of following Jesus. Don’t get me wrong, I fully believe there are GREAT adventures ahead and the things God has in store for us are out of this world. My very own life is proof of Him having things prepared that are beyond our imaginations!! But I’m finding Jesus speaks in the day-to-day, sometimes the most simplest of things [yet not always easy to do] and doing these little things are what it means to obey Him. Yes, there’s big things. However, for me in this season of life, I’m hearing primarily small things, every day things, that I believe can be eternally impacting. Among the things I’m hearing in this season, I think the most important one is this:
What if this season is about learning to love -really well- this husband of mine?
Like I said, Jesus often points me to what’s right in front of me. Right now? It’s this husband of mine; this incredible gift and teammate in life that God’s given me. I get to learn to love him well. I get to learn to speak the language that makes him feel most loved and encouraged. I get to make our home nice for him. I get to be the one who roots for him and cheers him on in all of his endeavours. I get to be his biggest fan. I get to invest, uninterrupted by work and a busy schedule, into this relationship that God so loves us to invest into.
I get to have this season…and I will to be glad in it.
Soo, I guess this post did end up being about this husband of mine. Sorry about that.