My Crutch

Yesterday marked three weeks since I last posted.

The day of my last post on September 10th, I had an idea for a possible post the next week.  When I have ideas of things to write, I find any scrap piece of paper I can get my hands on and scribble it down.  I used to not jot things down, thinking I would remember but do you think I can ever remember things? Nope.  So I jot them down and I now have little random pieces of whatever I can find with a writable surface with random thoughts or sometimes just one word stuffed in even more random places.  I had the advantage of being near my computer when I had this thought the week of September 10th, having just posted.  So I started a “new draft” and titled it “My Crutch.”

Interestingly enough, only four days later…I break my ankle and I’m handed a pair of crutches.

Ironic, I know.

I’m sure most of the small audience of readers I have know that this ankle issue is what has held me up the past few weeks but I will update nonetheless.  

Sunday afternoon, September 14th, I dislocated and broke my right ankle in three spots – I was with friends and family for a surprise birthday party that my sweet husband planned for me. Unfortunately I, and many others, were standing on a deck that collapsed.  Thankfully, everyone was ok, apart from some sprains and pulled muscles – a broken ankle being the worst injury, thank God.  Especially seeing as there were 3 precious children and a baby on the deck as well.  They are ok but talk about scary.  A very, very scary experience for all.  A few are still dealing with some pain but in the face of something that could have had an extremely bad outcome…I think we can all say we’re doing pretty well.

I had surgery last week on this right ankle and have to stay off it for 6 weeks, have a walking cast and then have some physical therapy after that.  The first two weeks were very rough as I have never broken anything or had surgery where anesthesia was involved (apart from some wisdom teeth taken out).  They put the ankle back in place soon after the break (OUCH.), put a cast on it and then a different one the day after and I hobbled around (thanks to lots of help) the first week. The surgery was a week after.  The surgeon said 45 minutes for the surgery but it ended up being 2.5 hours.  It was a little more messy in there than he anticipated, I guess.  Gross.  A plate, some screws and another cast on and I’m now on the mend with an appointment next week to see how the healing process is going.

I can’t really say whether I have a high or low pain tolerance…Thankfully, I don’t think I’ve experienced a lot of physical pain in my life apart from accidentally stabbing my hand all the way through with a steak knife (that hurt…at least breaking an ankle wasn’t bloody like that incident). But breaking an ankle HURT and to my surprise, coming out of surgery hurt worse.  The anesthesiologist kindly suggested I accept a little IV that would go in my thigh that I’d keep in for the first 24 hrs. after surgery.  She said it would numb my leg from the knee down to help with the post-surgical pain, along with the pain meds.  Well, I said “No, I’ll just use the pain meds”… and then I woke up after surgery, looked at her with longing, teary eyes that probably screamed “I TAKE THAT BACK.  IV ALL THE WAY.  LADY…NUMB ME PLEASE.”   WOW.  I was happy to  have everything connected again down there but I wasn’t expecting it to hurt so much after surgery.  In fact, I was expecting to wake up after surgery and be able to swing my legs around off the bed and walk out on crutches.  Was I already given drugs before the surgery??  What was I thinking.    But it was too late for the numbing thing and I toughed it out for the next 24 hrs.

With all that said, I’m doing well. I’m healing. I’m taking it easy and not being super Brittany, trying to do to much.  After 5-10 minutes of being up, my right toes turn purple, an indication that they need to be elevated…so you can imagine what I do most of the day.

Yes.  I sit.

I sit more than I move and for someone who doesn’t just exercise because she has to, but rather because she enjoys it…this is difficult. But it’s ok.  There are many things in life that can’t be rushed and healing is one of them.

So, I thought about this budding post, “My Crutch,” while riding in the ambulance from the party and a kind old man was trying to give me an IV (which was sadly unsuccessful after lots of poking and prodding around in my arm. Owww.) and I knew I’d be given crutches sooner than later.   I thought about something I’ve heard people say throughout the years –  I’ve heard it said that people who are Christians use this belief in God as a crutch in life. When I hear this, I can see why people say that.  I can see why it may look like that.  I think there’s two ways of looking at this figure of speech:

1. Christianity is a “crutch” in the sense that those who believe have something that “holds them up” throughout life because undoubtedly, there will be things in life that will bring them to their knees and we all simply need help with life, sometimes. They realize they don’t have all the answers, they don’t know everything and they have a hope in a God who does and who has their best interest in mind no matter what.

2. Christianity is a “crutch” in the sense that those who believe use these beliefs as a way to avoid the “real world,” they’re exempt from thinking on your own and can avoid dealing with problems directly.  Life is peachy all the time because they believe in God.

I don’t agree with #2 and if Christianity meant that – I don’t want it. 

But I agree with #1.  It best fits my experience in this life so far.

So if “they” mean #1 when calling Christianity a “crutch,”  I agree with them wholeheartedly.

Jesus is my crutch.  It’s exactly what it looks like.  They are right.  The thing is – we all have something that’s holding us up. A crutch is used by someone who’s been injured or has something wrong with them and is on the road to getting better.  In the mean time, they don’t want to just sit around on their butts the whole time – they use a crutch or crutches because they want to move.  I know this first hand at the moment.  If I didn’t have crutches, I’d sit 100% of the time rather than 80% and I can’t have that.  My crutches are what help me move right now.

I love how the Bible talks about our life as a race.  

“And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us,  fixing our eyes on Jesus…” Hebrews 12:1-3

Sometimes we can run and sometimes we have crutches for 6 weeks but what’s important is that we know Who we’re leaning on and we don’t give up.  I heard this verse below preached on a few months ago and thankfully can’t get it out of my head:

“Blessed are those whose strength is in you, whose hearts are set on pilgrimage.” Psalm 84:5

What it’s saying is WHAT JOY you’re going to have if you don’t give up.  Our journey is our destiny…and we just have to keep going.   This journey through life hurts sometimes and you may loose some speed but you’re BLESSED if you don’t give up.

And there’s something that’s been so settled in my heart…I feel like it’s in my very cells. And it seems to come even more alive in me when faced with some problems.  It’s this:

 GOD IS GOOD.

I’ll have this reality be my crutch any day.

Right when I looked at my foot off in it’s own world and a bone wanting to almost poke out, my heart immediately whispered “You’re good, God.”  Because He just is.  No matter what, HE IS.  And I will not be convinced otherwise.

So, yes…He’s my crutch but I am not exempt from what life happens to bring my way.  Being a follower of Jesus doesn’t allow me to avoid things…it actually does the opposite.  It brings into light things that my, otherwise self-absorbed, eyes would have skipped over before.

All in all, I don’t get Him. I don’t get God.  But I like Him a lot.

I don’t understand why He does what He does.  But I really enjoy learning to trust Him.

I don’t get why bad things have to happen.  But I know He doesn’t make them happen and He’s with me always.

I don’t know Him all that well.  But the little I do, I really, really love.

I can’t wrap my brain around who He is.  But then again, I’m not the only one:

“For who can know the LORD’s thoughts? Who knows enough to give him advice?”  – Romans 11:34

Job 36:26 – “How great is God—beyond our understanding! The number of his years is past finding out.”

This quote by writer, Donald Miller, explains it light-heartedly…as Miller often does:

“I can no more understand the totality of God than the pancake I made for breakfast understands the complexity of me”

Pretty much, I am me and God is God and I don’t get Him most of the time but I’m telling you….

I’ve looked over His track record in my life and He’s always proven Himself to be faithful.

even when I break my ankle.

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